60 Seconds to Heaven

You know how people always ask what you would do if you only had one day to live? My question is what would you do if you only had 60 seconds to live. It's funny how different those two scenarios would be. If given one day, I assume most people would surround themselves with loved ones, write letters to apologize to people they may have wronged in their life, and put their affairs in order. If given 60 seconds, I would guess most people would do everything they could to get out one last thrill. Personally, I would find the best looking girl within the immediate area, hold her in my arms, kiss her more passionately than she has ever or will ever be kissed. Then I would find the toughest looking guy nearby and punch him in the face as hard as I could. As he beats me to a pulp, I would look one of the bystanders in the eye and say, "...avenge me...". Then I would close my eyes forever.

They say you should live each day as if it were your last but perhaps that advice doesn't scale well. Even if people chose less dramatic final seconds than me and spend every second as their last, the streets would be filled with people screaming, crying, and not getting anything done, because what's the point?

I prefer to live every day as if they were limitless and void of any connection to anything else in the universe. Kind of like the movie Groundhog Day. I pretend that I have all the time in the world to do what I want and master any skill. The reason I do this is because if I think of my days as being limited, I would give up every time something became too hard or time consuming. I would think that there's no point in wasting all this precious time, give up, and go watch some TV. I can also assume that this mindset of time having no value, meaning, or connection to the universe, is something I am not alone in feeling. Otherwise, there wouldn't be so many people who know how to juggle or ride a unicycle.

You Can't Lose if You Don't Play

I went to a casino the other night to People Watch because I couldn't sleep and it's the only crowded place to hang out at late at night without being noticed too much. I couldn't help but wonder what it is that drives people to places like this. When I walk in and see all the fancy machines and elaborate architecture and well-dressed employees, I can't help but acknowledge that it is all paid for by the people mindlessly putting their money in the machines. Now, don't get me wrong, I totally get the whole idea behind it all. The inner sense of self-significance that we all have that makes us feel like we are the exception. That we are special and have the ability to beat the system. And why not? From the moment we are expelled from the womb, we are bombarded with praise and told that we are special, that we are gifted and can do anything we put our minds to. Combine that with the appeal of getting something for nothing, and it's easy to see why so many people fall victim.

The thing I don't get is why the casinos don't try harder to trick people. The whole point is to lull people into a false sense of confidence and feed into their belief that they have the upper hand. But with all the ritz and luxury, the illusion is completely destroyed for me. It's like seeing a well-groomed man in a tuxedo and top-hat asking for some spare change at the freeway off-ramp. If I were to build a casino, I would build it in an old abandoned warehouse. I would hire people who look like Gil from The Simpsons to be the dealers. I would train them to always have a look of desperation on their faces like they're down on their luck and really need the money to support their large families. I would make it look like we can barely stay in business because of how often people beat the house. I want people to walk in to my casino and think to themselves, "I better move fast while they still have money left for me to take." Of course, in the back room, I would have piles of money for me to swim around in, but they don't need to know that.

It was even worse when I went to Vegas last year for the locksmith and binocular convention. The casinos there are just ridiculous. Instead of a well-dressed man begging for money, it was like four men in tuxedos hoisting up a guy dressed up like a sultan who is asking for my money. I felt like I didn't even have a remote chance of walking away with any money. I lost $250 and walked away broke and beaten like a little boy who just got beat up by (insert name of famous professional boxer here). But in the end, it's my own fault, I was the one who started the fight. In my casino, people will feel like they're starting a fight with an old man with a walker but in the end, the house always wins.

Job Interviews

In all relationships, the one who is the most interested in the other, is the one with the least amount power. To put yourself out there like that for the other person to accept or reject takes a great deal of motivation and bravery. And to be on the other end of it is a feeling so empowering, it can be tempting at times to hold on to that power rather than to join them in their pathetic state.

That's why I post job positions on craigslist and hold interviews for jobs that don't actually exist. As the interviewer, I hold all the cards in the relationship and the candidate must submit himself or herself to my judgments and pretend to love every minute of it. One thing most people look for is the candidate's ability to communicate. They see if you are able to look them in the eye, they judge the firmness of their handshake, and pay close attention to their ability to answer all the questions with confidence. For me, all these things show is how good they are at lying. Everyone lies in interviews, you have to. Otherwise, nobody would ever get a job anywhere. When asked, what is your worst quality, if a person answered honestly and said things like, "I'm sad most of the time." or "I don't like it when people tell me what to do." then they would not get the job.

They are rewarded for their ability to lie and then they are so shocked when the employee is discovered to be stealing from the company or falsifying records to the stockholders. They have nobody to blame but themselves. If you're going to hire based on their ability to lie, then you should also test their ability to not get caught.

I like to take a different approach. I test their ability to adapt to new situations. For example, I may turn their computer monitor upside down and tell them to play a game of solitaire. Or I might give them a doll and ask them to braid it's hair. If they tell me they don't know how, they are thanked for their time and asked to leave. If they pull up "how to braid hair" on youtube and try to figure it out, the interview will proceed. All jobs require people to learn new things and be able to solve new and unique problems, the interview should test their aptitude for this.

One thing I've discovered is that people who are generally better at learning new things and adapting to their surroundings are the ones who are not so skilled in the area of interpersonal communication. I think this is because people who are uncomfortable in their own skin, are used to adapting. They don't mind being taken out of their comfort zone because they don't have one.

In the end, I thank them and tell them that I have several more interviews to conduct and will get back with them. I don't really see this as being dishonest because someday I might actually own a business and I'll have a solid list of candidates ready to go. If not, then I helped them polish their interview skills to help them on their path to employment.

I wish dating was structured in the same way. People should have to fill out a dating resume with relationship histories and references. I would probably follow many of the above techniques in finding an appropriate mate. I think I may be on to something...

Volume Matters

At the bus stop today, I got into a conversation with a man who claimed to be a vegetarian. After talking to him for a few minutes, he mentioned that he eats fish. I asked how eating fish doesn't count, not because I was questioning his dedication to the cause or whatever. I was just wondering if it was because of the taste, health reasons, or animal cruelty.

He gave me a really vague answer so I didn't press him on the matter. It got me thinking about it and I decided that eating beef was the most humane form of carnivorism. If you think about it, when you eat a fish, you are consuming the entire life force of another living being in one single meal. When you eat beef, even in a big meal, you couldn't even fully eat an entire leg of a cow.

Let's say an average cow weighs 1,200 lbs and about 1/2 of that, 600 lbs can be ground up. Each Big Mac has around 3.2 oz of meat in it and there are 16 oz to a lb. 16/3.2 = 5 so each lb of beef gives you 5 Big Macs. 600*5 = 3,000 Big Macs.

I could eat Big Macs three meals a day, seven days a week and it would be three years before I will have directly caused the death of another being to sustain my own life. If I had eaten fish each time instead of a big mac, I would have caused the death of 3,000 souls. Imagine if I had eaten shrimp or caviar instead. The death toll would just keep rising.

Why is it that the amount of value we put on a life is based purely on the volume of meat it contains. When a beached whale washes up on the shore, the whole town shows up to help. Yet, if we see a single cockroach on the floor, we scour the room for the quickest way to end it's miserable, puny, volumetricly insignificant existence. If you think about it, size is completely relative. Most people could probably be convinced that placing less value on the lives of animals that are smaller is wrong, but I also believe that putting more value on the lives of creatures larger than us is equally flawed. The whole thing makes me wish dinosaurs were still around. Imagine if we started breeding Brontosaurus for consumption. Not only would they be delicious, but we could all sleep much more soundly knowing that there would be far fewer angry animal ghosts haunting our nightmares.

2D or not 2D

I was reading this article on the Popular Science website and was initially somewhat concerned. The article is about a device called a 'Holometer'. This device will be able to prove or disprove whether or not the universe is actually three dimensional or, just a hologram. The last thing I need is for one more thing to be worried about.

My first reaction was to put my hand on a wall to see if it went through it, but then I realized that my hand would also be a hologram. My second reaction was to wonder what we would do with this information if we discovered that the universe is actually an illusion. Personally, I would be relieved. I would probably be a lot more relaxed about things. If someone cut me off in traffic, instead of getting angry, I would realize that he didn't really cut me off because I'm not really here.

I guess when it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter if this is all an illusion. It doesn't take away anything from what it is to us. Even if the whole universe is a movie for someone else to watch, why should we be defined by what we are to someone else rather than what we feel and experience for ourselves. Another cool thing that it would mean is that if this is all 2 dimensional, I want to be first in line when they come out with the first real 3D TVs.

Grocery Store Clerks

It always makes me nervous as the clerk rings up my groceries. The products I buy can tell someone more about me than people who've known me for years. Each item is a piece of a puzzle that paints an intimate picture of my life. A skilled and experienced clerk can piece this puzzle together with little or no effort.

I'm not just talking about rash creams and ointments that most people are embarrassed to buy. The clerk probably rings those up all day and doesn't think twice about it. I'm more worried about the products that, when bought together, begin to tell a story. For example, if I'm a little overweight and I buy lots of produce and diet foods, I can feel them looking at me and thinking, "I'll see you at 11 P.M. when you just need your Ben and Jerry's fix."

If I buy single serving frozen dinners, they know that I live alone. If I buy these along with 10 lbs of cat food, they assume I will probably die alone. When most people buy a bag of ice, they assume people think they are throwing a party. The clerk knows that it is just because they can't afford a refrigerator with a built in ice maker. With the popularity of one stop shops like Wal-Mart, it provides them with an even wider lens into your life. If a clerk sees someone buy ingredients for soup along with Drain-O and a shovel, I can't imagine how they keep their composure.

A Single Trivial Fact

Have you ever noticed that there are some things that certain people cannot avoid saying in specific situations. For example, on Thanksgiving, after everyone finishes eating, I always start a timer to see how long it takes before someone mentions the fact that it is the L-tryptophan in the turkey that makes everyone sleepy. They say it as if they are a chemist and that this knowledge is something they picked up during their extensive studies. They hear it from someone else or watch a documentary on the discovery channel and talk about it as if they are an expert on the topic. Another example is when people complain about back pain and someone says, "OOOH! Lie on the floor facing down, I can fix you!" They adjusted one person's back when they were in college and that person said thanks, it feels much better, and now they think they are an orthopedist.

Other examples are when people mention Van Gogh they cannot avoid mentioning the fact that he cut off his own ear, and when Leonardo DaVinci is mentioned, they bring up the rumor that he was gay.

One of my favorite past-times is rattling off false trivia about specific topics when they come up in conversation. For example, whenever people start talking about President Eisenhower, I say, "Did you know that Eisenhower believed in werewolves." Or when I see someone eating a banana, I say, "Did you know that Bruce Willis refuses to eat bananas because they are radioactive?" It's my own personal way of teaching people to research things for themselves and not believe everything they hear. The best false rumors are very difficult to disprove and half true. For example bananas are actually radioactive and I have never seen Mr. Willis eat one.

The Missing Person Package

I often find it difficult to smile in photos because I can't help but wonder if this will be the photograph they post of me on the news when I go missing or am killed in some freak accident.

Portrait studios could probably make some good money advertising packages for paranoid parents. The nice thing about missing person photos is that the parents would want to have them updated frequently. The studios could sell combination missing person/obituary packages and have them come in every six months to assure they are current. When unspeakable things happen, the police always ask for a recent photo and the one you took at their school play using your phone might not help them get found. The photography studio would have proper lighting equipment and high resolution cameras.

From my experience, frightened children and happy children look very different from one another. If the parents really want their kids found, it would make more sense to have a frightened photo posted since it would most accurately portray what their child would look like if they were taken against their will. Rather than having stuffed animals and squeaky toys, during the sitting, they could have a man with a zombie mask and chainsaw suddenly kick down the door and come running toward your child while the photographer snaps away.

The package would include two sets, one set of frightened photos for if they go missing, and a second set of them smiling to put up at the funeral or to use in your Christmas card if they turn out to be ok. It would take a good salesman to pitch the idea, but the repeat business would make it worth it.

There would be a few details to work out. For example, the happy photos would probably have to be taken before the frightened ones so they wouldn't have to wait for them to finish crying, and you may have some difficulty getting your child to ever sit down for a portrait shoot again after the second or third time.

My Name is Skim Shady

It's interesting how people are defined by how they feel about particular subjects. What is the difference between someone who doesn't eat meat and a vegetarian? How significant must an issue be in order for it to go from being something they do to something that they are?

I eat a lot more cheese than is probably healthy yet people call me lefty because I eat it with my left hand. There's no word for people who eat too much dairy so it's just something I do, not who I am.

Most people probably don't like to be known as these things because it limits their existence to the fact that they do that one thing. The labels that exist for people who don't do specific things is even stranger. A vegetarian is someone who doesn't eat meat. What do you call someone who doesn't eat potato salad? Or what about someone who doesn't go bowling? If I am pro-life, it doesn't mean that all I do is sit around all day not aborting babies. It just means that I don't know enough about it to feel comfortable with the idea.

Labels like atheist, lefty, vegan, brown-coat, liberal, and goat skinner, are all things that describe a small part of what people do and it's important to avoid placing the people around you in these limiting definitions. Some people have things that they do that they are embarrassed about and defining them by these things is demoralizing. I'm not proud of the quantity of cheese I consume and luckily, there aren't any derogatory terms that I'm aware of that people would call me to remind me of the fact. Not everyone is so lucky. If I were to think of names to call people who eat too much dairy, I think Lactiod, Cheese-head, and Skim Shady would be at the top of my list.

Go Sports Team!!!

I went to a sports bar the other night to get some of those potato wedges with cheese and sour cream. There was a football game on the TVs and everyone was shouting and cheering whenever a big play was made. I don't know anything about sports, but the cheering got me really excited. I tried to figure out what moments were appropriate to cheer for or get upset about, but after a few failed attempts, I decided to just wait until a split second after everyone else started cheering and just join in.

I should learn more about sports so that I can fit in more in situations like these. Imagine how many high fives I would get if I painted my face and wore the appropriate colors. There seems to be some kind of primal urge within people to be a fan of something. I don't understand how people can form a bond with each other based purely on shared preferences for a specific group of individuals playing a game together. They seem to take great pride in the moments when the team they prefer triumphs over the opposing team. I don't think I even get that excited about my own achievements, let alone the achievements of complete strangers. It's also interesting to me how aggressive they can get towards one another when the opposing team dominates.

I obviously have a lot to learn about sports if I am going to blend in better. I feel like I understand the basics of why each sport is popular. It's just the specifics that I need to research more. For example, why do boxers wear gloves? I understand the thrill of watching one man fight another, it's just the gloves that I don't get. Most sporting equipment is designed to make the game's goals easier to achieve. For example, in football, the pads make it easier for the players to get from one end of the field to another without knocking each other out. In boxing, the goal is to knock each other out. It just seems counter productive to the goal. It would be like letting some of the air out of a basketball or making a hockey puck white.

Super Powers

I think every child at some point fantasizes about having super powers. The recent explosion of comic book-inspired films has probably only made this more common. All the comic books, TV shows, movies, and video games paint this picture of what they think it would be like to have these powers. The problem is that even if the powers were possible, the situations the heroes are placed in are not very plausible. If you look at it with a realistic perspective, the usefulness of these powers would probably not be worth it.

For example, if I had Wolverine's ability to heal my own wounds, smell things from far away, and have bones made out of metal, the only thing that would probably be differently is the amount of money I'd save on health insurance and band-aids. That is if I had the option to not pay for insurance. I wouldn't be able to fly because the metal detectors in the airport would go off and I wouldn't be able to get on the plane, I'd have to avoid going near bathrooms because of my heightened sense of smell. Even the ability to fly would get old. Sure you'd save money on airfare, but it would be difficult to take any luggage or your family. Birds can fly, but they don't seem to have much of an advantage.

If I could read people's minds, I could probably headline in Vegas and make some good money, but I'm not very good at speaking in front of large crowds so I probably wouldn't even be able to do that.

I bet Superman could make a good living in construction, but since he wouldn't be able to produce a valid birth certificate, good luck trying to get a job here in AZ. Law enforcement doesn't pay very well and would be pretty tedious with all of the domestic disturbances and traffic stops. The only career that genetically superior people would be able to profit from would be professional sports. And how long do you think that would last. The Hulk only gets strong when he loses his temper. He'd get thrown out of the game the second he pulled the arms off of a referee for making a bad call.

Growing up is depressing. If I could have one super power, it would be the ability to never realize the implausibility of my dreams.

Death Math Demographics

When people die, why is it considered rude to talk bad about them? It seems to me that it would be the best time to talk bad about them. That way, you know it would never get back to them. People talk bad about others before they die and eventually, it gets back to them and hurts their feelings.

I would prefer for people to say nothing but good things about me while I am alive and every time they have something negative to say, they could write it down on a piece of paper and then at my funeral, everyone could take turns reading what is on all the papers. Talking bad about others makes people feel good about themselves so it would help with the grieving process. Also, nobody likes the idea of a good person dying. If you hear about what a bad person they were, it won't seem quite so bad that they are gone.

Why is it that when we hear about someone dying, the first two questions we ask are how did they die and how old were they. Then we do the math in our heads to make sure we are safe. "He died of a heart attack? How old was he? 60? OK, I still have some time." Then when we here about someone dying within our own demographic, we start to worry. "He was in a car accident? I drive a car! He was 20? Oh no, I'm 25, I'm screwed." These are the deaths that keep us up at night.

Rudolph Hitler

Pretending to forget a person's name is the best way to get under their skin. Hitler was probably used to being called a murderer, madman, egomaniac, and countless other names that reflect the atrocities that he committed. The problem with these names is that they would all feed into his ego. If I ever met him, I would constantly pretend to forget his name. I would also try to sound unimpressed when he bragged about all his accomplishments. If he was at a party and I was introducing him to someone else, I'd say, "Hey, this is Jeff's friend... sorry, was it Rudolph? I'm terrible with names."

I hate it when people introduce me as someone else's something. If I'm introduced as Tom's friend, or Dave's roommate, I will forever be associated with that person. Who will I be if Dave moves out? What I need is some kind of distinguishing accomplishment that precedes any other associations. Not quite like Hitler of course, but something outstanding. I'll start working on a list of ideas.

I think Rudolph, or whatever his name was, killed himself so that he would go down in history as the man who killed the most ruthless villain of his time. "The Man Who Killed Hitler!" What a suitable death for a egotist.

Regrets

When I was a child, I was picked on a lot. I would spend my nights thinking of all the things I should have done and said. In my fantasies, I would take on a dozen bullies while the girl I had a crush on watched in amazement at my unmatched skill and precision with a bow staff. Last night, I was unable to sleep and after a lifetime of these fantasies, I ran out of scenarios. Countless nights of battling bullies, ninjas, zombies, robot hordes, and even accountants and I had finally run out of possible encounters.

My mind eventually wandered into new territory. I wondered, "what do bullies stay awake at night regretting?". Do they lay awake dreaming of beating up even more nerds? When you live your life taking what you want, is there anything left to want for?

I'm sure there is, and I'm sure they have their fair share of regrets. It just made me grateful that I don't have all the things I want in life.

I wonder if dogs have regrets. Not short-term regrets like wishing he hadn't eaten all those chicken bones. I'm talking about long-term regrets like never getting a bachelor's degree or whatever would be the equivalent for a dog.

Maybe dogs don't have regrets because they heard that all dogs go to heaven. Having a free pass means that they truly live in the moment. I have never met an indecisive dog. When they see a ball flying through the air, they chase the ball. It's not a decision, or even a choice. All he knows is that a ball is going where his mouth isn't and while there is blood running through his veins and oxygen pumping through his lungs, he will catch that ball or die trying. That bachelor's degree will just have to wait.

Medieval Hypochondriacs

I wonder what it would be like to be a Hypochondriac during the Medieval era. "Hi, it's me again...look, could I get another one of those blood-lettings, I have a runny nose and think I might have the Black Plague. Say, does this hang nail look bad to you? Maybe you should just remove the whole arm just in case. Can I take some of these leaches home with me? Sometimes, I just need a quick fix to help me sleep at night".

Was amputation considered a medical breakthrough when it was first invented? It seems pretty primitive now, but I imagine the first person who thought of it was pretty proud of himself. "So this guy came in with athlete's foot and within 10 minutes, I completely healed him!"

In 2007, 66-year-old Al Hill amputated his leg below the knee using his pocketknife after the leg got stuck beneath a fallen tree he was cutting in California. I picture him sitting near the fireplace telling the story to his grand-kids only to have one of them ask, "Grandpa, why didn't you just use the knife to dig your leg out instead of cutting it off."

Sticky Business

I hate it when public bathroom floors are sticky. I walked into the restroom at Barnes an Noble today and stepped right in a spot so sticky that my shoe almost fell off. The funny part is that I saw that a cup of Coke had spilled and was relieved. You would think that the level of disgust would be based on the stickiness of the puddle, but soda is stickier than urine. Most people would rather step in a spilled soda over urine, but soda is much more difficult to remove from a shoe. It must be based on which one would be worse to get in your mouth, but why would that make a difference unless you put your shoe in your mouth. In the grand scheme of things, I suppose neither one would harm you if ingested in small quantities.

The Karate Investment

I got a flyer for karate classes in the mail today. I was seriously considering signing up, but then I did some math and decided it was not worth the investment. I looked it up and it takes 3-5 years to obtain a black belt. Karate lessons are $150 per month. That's $9,000 for 5 years. I never carry more than $50 dollars on me. That means I would have to get mugged 180 times in order for the amount of money taken to equal what I paid for the lessons. Martial arts experts probably picture themselves dying in some massive ninja battle. It's probably pretty depressing to the ones who die of natural causes, never having been mugged or attacked in their life. It's like spending your life walking around with a baseball glove on your hand. Chances are pretty rare that someone will throw a ball at you, so you just end up looking silly and having a sweaty hand.

The Lady of Guadelupe

I was on Costco's website looking for a good deal on bulk candy to sell from my car and I came across this product review for the Lady of Guadelupe Casket. It reads:

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The way to go...
Model Number: The Lady of Guadalupe
"Thank-You to Universal Casket and Costco, The casket was beautiful on time and priced right. Nothing at the funeral home compared to this for less than 6,000 dollars, And talk about fast shipping we received it the next day using regular shipping!!! The funeral home had no issues with us provideding the casket."
2 of 2 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful to you? Yes No (Report Inappropriate Review)

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This review was either written by the company that makes the coffins or someone who apparently cares more about informing others about great deals than mourning the loss of a loved one. I'm all for saving a few thousand dollars, but if I just lost a loved one, I don't think I would write things like "And talk about fast Shipping!!!". I also like the fact that 2 out of 2 people found this review helpful. Either those 2 people also work for the casket company, or they found comfort in the fact that it is possible to go back to using triple exclamation marks so quickly after such a loss.

I was going to click (Report Inappropriate Review) but there is a chance that it was a legitimate review. Instead, I added my own review that I felt was more likely to be written by someone buying a casket: 

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"I can't believe she's gone. What do I do now. How do I go on living without her warm embrace and gentle voice telling me everything will be ok? I want to provide some sort of comfort for the kids, but how can I when I have none to offer. The emptiness within me only grows more vast and piercing as the numbness of the initial shock subsides. I must find something to live for. Some strand of hope to hang on to and pull me out of this nightmare. At least the coffin arrived on time and wasn't too much money."

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I got a message that it takes up to 72 hours for my review to appear. I'll have to check back and see if it made it. I really hope it was the casket company that wrote that review, otherwise I would feel really guilty for making fun of someone who has actually just buried someone.

Beard Blindness

I saw a man today that had a strange manner about him. After watching him, I figured out that he must be a twin. I could tell by the way he tried to avoid certain expressions. Twins hate it when they catch themselves making faces that their twin is known to make. I wonder if a twin with Prosopagnosia would have a difficult time recognizing his own twin. A penguin with face blindness would also have it rough. At least humans with the condition can use hats or clothes or other distinguishing features. A penguin would have to walk around for hours looking for someone. "Larry? Is that you? No? Sorry. Larry? Is that you? No? Sorry. Larry?..." and so on for hours. I think I might be partially face blind. I can't tell people with beards apart. I also won't recognize someone even if I've known them a long time if they suddenly grow a beard or if they had a beard when I met them and they suddenly shave it off. If you're going to grow a beard, you need to commit to it.

"Push" Notifications

I once read about a guy who, since childhood would always use the restroom immediately after eating. Now as an adult, every time he eats anything, he is unable to do so without using the restroom directly after.

This got me thinking about people who use their smart phones every time they use the bathroom. I came up with an idea for an app that encourages people to use their phones every time they use the toilet. I'll call it Logger. Because they'll use it to "log" all of their BMs over time.

After years of them using the app, their bodies will associate using the app with having a bowel movement. Then, if the need should arise, I would have the ability to force a BM by sending a push notification from within the app.

I'm not sure yet how this could work to my advantage in any way, but that will come later. Perhaps I can make everyone in a ballpark use the restroom before half-time so when I have to go, the lines will be shorter. I'm sure I'll think of better uses as time goes on, but first I need to figure out how to make an app.

Homelessness Research

I've always assumed people became homeless as a last resort, but I've been doing some research that indicates it may be a viable option. I have a car that has back seats that fold forward from the trunk. I took some measurements and it looks like my foam pad should fit in there nicely for a bed. The YMCA has a gym, showers, and a bathroom for only $25 per month. I spend most of my days at the library, the park, or just around town anyways so I'm just throwing money away for space I'm not even using 90% of the time. I just need to get a P.O. box and find places to park my car where it won't get towed. I'll save $750 a month on rent and can use that money to travel around the country. I would need a place to keep my bees though. I don't think they'd like it in the car.

Publish Post

House Hunting

My lease is up at the end of the month so I've been looking for a new place. I went to an open house today. Not that I can afford to buy a house, I just like how nice the realtors are to me. I like it when they tell me all of the things I can do with the place when I buy it. They are always so optimistic about my future. They say things like, "It's a great place to raise a family! Lot's of excellent schools nearby". They never say things like, "It's a comfortable place to die alone" or, "It has plenty of storage space for all of your meaningless possessions".

I'll start looking for a small apartment tomorrow

Elevator Buddy

Is it bad that every time I ride in an elevator with someone, I secretly want it to get stuck. First of all, you would always be able to tell your friends about the time you got trapped in an elevator. Also, when you share a traumatic experience with someone, it creates a bond that would be hard to build any other way. You would always be that guy they got trapped in an elevator with. It's somewhere between war buddy and that guy you sat next to on the flight to Sydney.

The Lookers

Have you ever noticed that there are some people who always look whenever someone walks into a room. Whenever I'm in a large room with lots of people, especially a room with a loud door, I don't look at the person walking in the door, I look to see who looks at the person coming in. I'll eventually look at the person who just walked in, but not until they are settled or not paying attention. What concerns me the most are the people who always turn to the door to see who's coming in. These are the people who are watching. They are the most likely to notice if I do something unusual. Fortunately, they are also the easiest to distract. I always try to time any unusual actions with distractions caused by other people. I'll usually wait for someone to sneeze or laugh loudly. That way, the lookers are focusing elsewhere.

The Library

I went to the library today to return my books on resume writing. It sure is difficult to find work in this economy. I'm still not sure what I want to do for a career. I should have checked to see if the library was hiring. I love organizing and alphabetizing things. I also love the feel and smell of used books. The oils of countless people's fingers seeped into every page. Each stain and wrinkle tells a story even more compelling than the one written on the page. I just checked out "The Boy in Striped Pajamas" and there was a blurred spot in the end from a tear drop. I think publishers should intentionally place a few drops in the sad parts if their books. That way, if the readers don't cry, they'll feel like they should have. Kind of like a laugh track on a sitcom.

Thrift Store

I was at Goodwill today looking for a new suit so that I don't stand out so much when I take the elevator to the top floor of that big skyscraper downtown. I also found a pair of binoculars for only $10. They're not as good as my other ones, but they're smaller so they fit nicely in my pocket. I realized that I've never seen underwear at Goodwill. I wonder if it's because they aren't allowed to sell it or because nobody ever donates it. People just wear underwear until it falls apart. Not that I would ever wear underwear worn by someone else. That would be disgusting.

Relationships

Having a girlfriend is overrated. I spend a lot of time observing people and one thing I've noticed is that as people get to know each other better, the passion and mystery subsides and they start taking each other for granted. Relationships are most intense when you gaze into someones eyes for the first time and have a world full of opportunity and wonder. Observing someone from a distance, deriving things about them based on your findings, and filling in the rest with your imagination, that is the best way to keep passion alive. For example, you can find out a lot about a person by using the computer after them at the library and looking at their browser history. Especially if she saves her Facebook password in memory. Of course, I would never do anything harmful with it. Not like that jerk David. She is too good for him. I can't believe he would leave her for Jessica at Jennifer's birthday party like that. It's probably for the best, she really needs to focus on school right now if she's ever going to become a teacher.

The Weirdo

My car is no longer being watched now that I park it at the dentist office, but now I have to take a bus to get to the dentists office. I really don’t mind though, I try to go at rush hour so someone has to sit next to me. I make sure to sit right in the middle of the bench so someone has to sit on each side of me.

I met a very interesting man today that actually believes in UFOs. It was strange too because he seemed like any other ordinary guy. We were just having a regular conversation about how the government is adding a solution into our water supply to make us more complaisant and all of the sudden, he starts going on about how they are covering up the existence of UFOs. I just don’t get it. I don’t know if he spends too much time watching science fiction movies or if he just has difficulty trusting authority because of abandonment issues caused by some kind of traumatic childhood event.

I wish I could have helped him, but you can’t change someones misguided beliefs in the course of a bus ride. I suppose I should just be grateful that I was raised in a good family with parents that loved and supported me.

Raisin Bran

Last night I needed more raisins for my raisin bran because I bought the generic brand and the ratio was off. I figured Wal-Mart would be the only thing opened so I drove down there. I got the raisins and started making my way to the checkout lane and was surprised to see that it was packed! Every register was occupied and there was a huge line at each one. Why were there so many people here this late at night? The only thing I could think of was that there was something big going down.

I quickly grabbed a cart and started loading it up as fast as I could. I loaded up on water, rice, beans, toilet paper, whatever I could fit in the cart. I wasn’t sure what the nature of the disaster was so I tried to cover the bases. I even went to the sporting goods section and grabbed a baseball bat and some pads in case I needed to throw down. I also grabbed around 20 boxes of name brand Raisin Bran, this was no time to be cheap. As I headed for the checkout lane, I looked up to see if people were still paying or if the rioting had started. Everything still looked reasonably calm so I got in line.
My heart was pumping and my mind was racing to figure out my next move. The freeways would be impassible at this point so I would have to take side streets and alleyways. All my escape routes out of the city originate from my house so I’d need to improvise based on my current location. When I got to the register, I told the cashier I was surprised she was still working there. She said something about how it was just until she got her cosmetology certification.

I didn’t quite understand what that had to do with anything, but I didn’t have time to figure it out. I ran outside and was instantly stopped in my tracks. It was bright as day outside! What does it mean? It was even worse than when that guy found a double rainbow. The only thing that came to mind was that the earth had fallen out of it’s rotation. This was worse than I thought. I got in the car to process the new information and noticed that DJ Rick was talking on the radio about the Farmer’s Market on Broadway. DJ Rick is only on air from 9 a.m. to noon. I looked at the clock and it was actually noon on a Saturday. That’s why it was so busy. I felt so silly. I was able to return everything I bought and used the experience as an opportunity to add some new contingencies to my evacuation plan. I should probably get more sleep, or maybe a watch.

The Strange Men

I took the bus to the mall today because my car was being looked at and I saw two men get on at Main St. I didn’t notice anything strange about them at first other than the fact that they both had similarly bad haircuts. I knew something wasn’t right when one of them looked to the other and whispered something. After observing them for some time, I was able to determine that they were time travelers from the 1930’s. They were wearing modern clothes, but seemed uncomfortable in them. In the 30’s, men wore hats and suits with jackets in public and these men had the disposition of someone wearing pajamas in public even though they were wearing jeans and polo shirts. When they paid their fare, they seemed reluctant to part with such a large amount of money. $1.30 was a lot of money back then and I heard one of them say “A dollar thirty for a bus ride...well, I’ll be”. In the end, it was the haircuts that gave it away. People can wear different clothes and learn slang and different dialects, but the way a person does his hair is a habit that cannot be easily broken. Not many people know this but haircuts, or the lack of, are also a good way to determine if someone is an android. Android hair doesn’t grow. I have a list of people who’s hair length I’m monitoring. I need to find a better way to take samples without having another confrontation like last time.

Now that I know for sure that time travel is indeed possible, I should get my old prototype out of the storage unit and take another go at it. I also need to go outside and see if that homeless man is still looking at my car. If he is, I might need to light it on fire.