60 Seconds to Heaven

You know how people always ask what you would do if you only had one day to live? My question is what would you do if you only had 60 seconds to live. It's funny how different those two scenarios would be. If given one day, I assume most people would surround themselves with loved ones, write letters to apologize to people they may have wronged in their life, and put their affairs in order. If given 60 seconds, I would guess most people would do everything they could to get out one last thrill. Personally, I would find the best looking girl within the immediate area, hold her in my arms, kiss her more passionately than she has ever or will ever be kissed. Then I would find the toughest looking guy nearby and punch him in the face as hard as I could. As he beats me to a pulp, I would look one of the bystanders in the eye and say, "...avenge me...". Then I would close my eyes forever.

They say you should live each day as if it were your last but perhaps that advice doesn't scale well. Even if people chose less dramatic final seconds than me and spend every second as their last, the streets would be filled with people screaming, crying, and not getting anything done, because what's the point?

I prefer to live every day as if they were limitless and void of any connection to anything else in the universe. Kind of like the movie Groundhog Day. I pretend that I have all the time in the world to do what I want and master any skill. The reason I do this is because if I think of my days as being limited, I would give up every time something became too hard or time consuming. I would think that there's no point in wasting all this precious time, give up, and go watch some TV. I can also assume that this mindset of time having no value, meaning, or connection to the universe, is something I am not alone in feeling. Otherwise, there wouldn't be so many people who know how to juggle or ride a unicycle.

You Can't Lose if You Don't Play

I went to a casino the other night to People Watch because I couldn't sleep and it's the only crowded place to hang out at late at night without being noticed too much. I couldn't help but wonder what it is that drives people to places like this. When I walk in and see all the fancy machines and elaborate architecture and well-dressed employees, I can't help but acknowledge that it is all paid for by the people mindlessly putting their money in the machines. Now, don't get me wrong, I totally get the whole idea behind it all. The inner sense of self-significance that we all have that makes us feel like we are the exception. That we are special and have the ability to beat the system. And why not? From the moment we are expelled from the womb, we are bombarded with praise and told that we are special, that we are gifted and can do anything we put our minds to. Combine that with the appeal of getting something for nothing, and it's easy to see why so many people fall victim.

The thing I don't get is why the casinos don't try harder to trick people. The whole point is to lull people into a false sense of confidence and feed into their belief that they have the upper hand. But with all the ritz and luxury, the illusion is completely destroyed for me. It's like seeing a well-groomed man in a tuxedo and top-hat asking for some spare change at the freeway off-ramp. If I were to build a casino, I would build it in an old abandoned warehouse. I would hire people who look like Gil from The Simpsons to be the dealers. I would train them to always have a look of desperation on their faces like they're down on their luck and really need the money to support their large families. I would make it look like we can barely stay in business because of how often people beat the house. I want people to walk in to my casino and think to themselves, "I better move fast while they still have money left for me to take." Of course, in the back room, I would have piles of money for me to swim around in, but they don't need to know that.

It was even worse when I went to Vegas last year for the locksmith and binocular convention. The casinos there are just ridiculous. Instead of a well-dressed man begging for money, it was like four men in tuxedos hoisting up a guy dressed up like a sultan who is asking for my money. I felt like I didn't even have a remote chance of walking away with any money. I lost $250 and walked away broke and beaten like a little boy who just got beat up by (insert name of famous professional boxer here). But in the end, it's my own fault, I was the one who started the fight. In my casino, people will feel like they're starting a fight with an old man with a walker but in the end, the house always wins.

Job Interviews

In all relationships, the one who is the most interested in the other, is the one with the least amount power. To put yourself out there like that for the other person to accept or reject takes a great deal of motivation and bravery. And to be on the other end of it is a feeling so empowering, it can be tempting at times to hold on to that power rather than to join them in their pathetic state.

That's why I post job positions on craigslist and hold interviews for jobs that don't actually exist. As the interviewer, I hold all the cards in the relationship and the candidate must submit himself or herself to my judgments and pretend to love every minute of it. One thing most people look for is the candidate's ability to communicate. They see if you are able to look them in the eye, they judge the firmness of their handshake, and pay close attention to their ability to answer all the questions with confidence. For me, all these things show is how good they are at lying. Everyone lies in interviews, you have to. Otherwise, nobody would ever get a job anywhere. When asked, what is your worst quality, if a person answered honestly and said things like, "I'm sad most of the time." or "I don't like it when people tell me what to do." then they would not get the job.

They are rewarded for their ability to lie and then they are so shocked when the employee is discovered to be stealing from the company or falsifying records to the stockholders. They have nobody to blame but themselves. If you're going to hire based on their ability to lie, then you should also test their ability to not get caught.

I like to take a different approach. I test their ability to adapt to new situations. For example, I may turn their computer monitor upside down and tell them to play a game of solitaire. Or I might give them a doll and ask them to braid it's hair. If they tell me they don't know how, they are thanked for their time and asked to leave. If they pull up "how to braid hair" on youtube and try to figure it out, the interview will proceed. All jobs require people to learn new things and be able to solve new and unique problems, the interview should test their aptitude for this.

One thing I've discovered is that people who are generally better at learning new things and adapting to their surroundings are the ones who are not so skilled in the area of interpersonal communication. I think this is because people who are uncomfortable in their own skin, are used to adapting. They don't mind being taken out of their comfort zone because they don't have one.

In the end, I thank them and tell them that I have several more interviews to conduct and will get back with them. I don't really see this as being dishonest because someday I might actually own a business and I'll have a solid list of candidates ready to go. If not, then I helped them polish their interview skills to help them on their path to employment.

I wish dating was structured in the same way. People should have to fill out a dating resume with relationship histories and references. I would probably follow many of the above techniques in finding an appropriate mate. I think I may be on to something...