2D or not 2D

I was reading this article on the Popular Science website and was initially somewhat concerned. The article is about a device called a 'Holometer'. This device will be able to prove or disprove whether or not the universe is actually three dimensional or, just a hologram. The last thing I need is for one more thing to be worried about.

My first reaction was to put my hand on a wall to see if it went through it, but then I realized that my hand would also be a hologram. My second reaction was to wonder what we would do with this information if we discovered that the universe is actually an illusion. Personally, I would be relieved. I would probably be a lot more relaxed about things. If someone cut me off in traffic, instead of getting angry, I would realize that he didn't really cut me off because I'm not really here.

I guess when it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter if this is all an illusion. It doesn't take away anything from what it is to us. Even if the whole universe is a movie for someone else to watch, why should we be defined by what we are to someone else rather than what we feel and experience for ourselves. Another cool thing that it would mean is that if this is all 2 dimensional, I want to be first in line when they come out with the first real 3D TVs.

Grocery Store Clerks

It always makes me nervous as the clerk rings up my groceries. The products I buy can tell someone more about me than people who've known me for years. Each item is a piece of a puzzle that paints an intimate picture of my life. A skilled and experienced clerk can piece this puzzle together with little or no effort.

I'm not just talking about rash creams and ointments that most people are embarrassed to buy. The clerk probably rings those up all day and doesn't think twice about it. I'm more worried about the products that, when bought together, begin to tell a story. For example, if I'm a little overweight and I buy lots of produce and diet foods, I can feel them looking at me and thinking, "I'll see you at 11 P.M. when you just need your Ben and Jerry's fix."

If I buy single serving frozen dinners, they know that I live alone. If I buy these along with 10 lbs of cat food, they assume I will probably die alone. When most people buy a bag of ice, they assume people think they are throwing a party. The clerk knows that it is just because they can't afford a refrigerator with a built in ice maker. With the popularity of one stop shops like Wal-Mart, it provides them with an even wider lens into your life. If a clerk sees someone buy ingredients for soup along with Drain-O and a shovel, I can't imagine how they keep their composure.

A Single Trivial Fact

Have you ever noticed that there are some things that certain people cannot avoid saying in specific situations. For example, on Thanksgiving, after everyone finishes eating, I always start a timer to see how long it takes before someone mentions the fact that it is the L-tryptophan in the turkey that makes everyone sleepy. They say it as if they are a chemist and that this knowledge is something they picked up during their extensive studies. They hear it from someone else or watch a documentary on the discovery channel and talk about it as if they are an expert on the topic. Another example is when people complain about back pain and someone says, "OOOH! Lie on the floor facing down, I can fix you!" They adjusted one person's back when they were in college and that person said thanks, it feels much better, and now they think they are an orthopedist.

Other examples are when people mention Van Gogh they cannot avoid mentioning the fact that he cut off his own ear, and when Leonardo DaVinci is mentioned, they bring up the rumor that he was gay.

One of my favorite past-times is rattling off false trivia about specific topics when they come up in conversation. For example, whenever people start talking about President Eisenhower, I say, "Did you know that Eisenhower believed in werewolves." Or when I see someone eating a banana, I say, "Did you know that Bruce Willis refuses to eat bananas because they are radioactive?" It's my own personal way of teaching people to research things for themselves and not believe everything they hear. The best false rumors are very difficult to disprove and half true. For example bananas are actually radioactive and I have never seen Mr. Willis eat one.

The Missing Person Package

I often find it difficult to smile in photos because I can't help but wonder if this will be the photograph they post of me on the news when I go missing or am killed in some freak accident.

Portrait studios could probably make some good money advertising packages for paranoid parents. The nice thing about missing person photos is that the parents would want to have them updated frequently. The studios could sell combination missing person/obituary packages and have them come in every six months to assure they are current. When unspeakable things happen, the police always ask for a recent photo and the one you took at their school play using your phone might not help them get found. The photography studio would have proper lighting equipment and high resolution cameras.

From my experience, frightened children and happy children look very different from one another. If the parents really want their kids found, it would make more sense to have a frightened photo posted since it would most accurately portray what their child would look like if they were taken against their will. Rather than having stuffed animals and squeaky toys, during the sitting, they could have a man with a zombie mask and chainsaw suddenly kick down the door and come running toward your child while the photographer snaps away.

The package would include two sets, one set of frightened photos for if they go missing, and a second set of them smiling to put up at the funeral or to use in your Christmas card if they turn out to be ok. It would take a good salesman to pitch the idea, but the repeat business would make it worth it.

There would be a few details to work out. For example, the happy photos would probably have to be taken before the frightened ones so they wouldn't have to wait for them to finish crying, and you may have some difficulty getting your child to ever sit down for a portrait shoot again after the second or third time.

My Name is Skim Shady

It's interesting how people are defined by how they feel about particular subjects. What is the difference between someone who doesn't eat meat and a vegetarian? How significant must an issue be in order for it to go from being something they do to something that they are?

I eat a lot more cheese than is probably healthy yet people call me lefty because I eat it with my left hand. There's no word for people who eat too much dairy so it's just something I do, not who I am.

Most people probably don't like to be known as these things because it limits their existence to the fact that they do that one thing. The labels that exist for people who don't do specific things is even stranger. A vegetarian is someone who doesn't eat meat. What do you call someone who doesn't eat potato salad? Or what about someone who doesn't go bowling? If I am pro-life, it doesn't mean that all I do is sit around all day not aborting babies. It just means that I don't know enough about it to feel comfortable with the idea.

Labels like atheist, lefty, vegan, brown-coat, liberal, and goat skinner, are all things that describe a small part of what people do and it's important to avoid placing the people around you in these limiting definitions. Some people have things that they do that they are embarrassed about and defining them by these things is demoralizing. I'm not proud of the quantity of cheese I consume and luckily, there aren't any derogatory terms that I'm aware of that people would call me to remind me of the fact. Not everyone is so lucky. If I were to think of names to call people who eat too much dairy, I think Lactiod, Cheese-head, and Skim Shady would be at the top of my list.

Go Sports Team!!!

I went to a sports bar the other night to get some of those potato wedges with cheese and sour cream. There was a football game on the TVs and everyone was shouting and cheering whenever a big play was made. I don't know anything about sports, but the cheering got me really excited. I tried to figure out what moments were appropriate to cheer for or get upset about, but after a few failed attempts, I decided to just wait until a split second after everyone else started cheering and just join in.

I should learn more about sports so that I can fit in more in situations like these. Imagine how many high fives I would get if I painted my face and wore the appropriate colors. There seems to be some kind of primal urge within people to be a fan of something. I don't understand how people can form a bond with each other based purely on shared preferences for a specific group of individuals playing a game together. They seem to take great pride in the moments when the team they prefer triumphs over the opposing team. I don't think I even get that excited about my own achievements, let alone the achievements of complete strangers. It's also interesting to me how aggressive they can get towards one another when the opposing team dominates.

I obviously have a lot to learn about sports if I am going to blend in better. I feel like I understand the basics of why each sport is popular. It's just the specifics that I need to research more. For example, why do boxers wear gloves? I understand the thrill of watching one man fight another, it's just the gloves that I don't get. Most sporting equipment is designed to make the game's goals easier to achieve. For example, in football, the pads make it easier for the players to get from one end of the field to another without knocking each other out. In boxing, the goal is to knock each other out. It just seems counter productive to the goal. It would be like letting some of the air out of a basketball or making a hockey puck white.

Super Powers

I think every child at some point fantasizes about having super powers. The recent explosion of comic book-inspired films has probably only made this more common. All the comic books, TV shows, movies, and video games paint this picture of what they think it would be like to have these powers. The problem is that even if the powers were possible, the situations the heroes are placed in are not very plausible. If you look at it with a realistic perspective, the usefulness of these powers would probably not be worth it.

For example, if I had Wolverine's ability to heal my own wounds, smell things from far away, and have bones made out of metal, the only thing that would probably be differently is the amount of money I'd save on health insurance and band-aids. That is if I had the option to not pay for insurance. I wouldn't be able to fly because the metal detectors in the airport would go off and I wouldn't be able to get on the plane, I'd have to avoid going near bathrooms because of my heightened sense of smell. Even the ability to fly would get old. Sure you'd save money on airfare, but it would be difficult to take any luggage or your family. Birds can fly, but they don't seem to have much of an advantage.

If I could read people's minds, I could probably headline in Vegas and make some good money, but I'm not very good at speaking in front of large crowds so I probably wouldn't even be able to do that.

I bet Superman could make a good living in construction, but since he wouldn't be able to produce a valid birth certificate, good luck trying to get a job here in AZ. Law enforcement doesn't pay very well and would be pretty tedious with all of the domestic disturbances and traffic stops. The only career that genetically superior people would be able to profit from would be professional sports. And how long do you think that would last. The Hulk only gets strong when he loses his temper. He'd get thrown out of the game the second he pulled the arms off of a referee for making a bad call.

Growing up is depressing. If I could have one super power, it would be the ability to never realize the implausibility of my dreams.

Death Math Demographics

When people die, why is it considered rude to talk bad about them? It seems to me that it would be the best time to talk bad about them. That way, you know it would never get back to them. People talk bad about others before they die and eventually, it gets back to them and hurts their feelings.

I would prefer for people to say nothing but good things about me while I am alive and every time they have something negative to say, they could write it down on a piece of paper and then at my funeral, everyone could take turns reading what is on all the papers. Talking bad about others makes people feel good about themselves so it would help with the grieving process. Also, nobody likes the idea of a good person dying. If you hear about what a bad person they were, it won't seem quite so bad that they are gone.

Why is it that when we hear about someone dying, the first two questions we ask are how did they die and how old were they. Then we do the math in our heads to make sure we are safe. "He died of a heart attack? How old was he? 60? OK, I still have some time." Then when we here about someone dying within our own demographic, we start to worry. "He was in a car accident? I drive a car! He was 20? Oh no, I'm 25, I'm screwed." These are the deaths that keep us up at night.

Rudolph Hitler

Pretending to forget a person's name is the best way to get under their skin. Hitler was probably used to being called a murderer, madman, egomaniac, and countless other names that reflect the atrocities that he committed. The problem with these names is that they would all feed into his ego. If I ever met him, I would constantly pretend to forget his name. I would also try to sound unimpressed when he bragged about all his accomplishments. If he was at a party and I was introducing him to someone else, I'd say, "Hey, this is Jeff's friend... sorry, was it Rudolph? I'm terrible with names."

I hate it when people introduce me as someone else's something. If I'm introduced as Tom's friend, or Dave's roommate, I will forever be associated with that person. Who will I be if Dave moves out? What I need is some kind of distinguishing accomplishment that precedes any other associations. Not quite like Hitler of course, but something outstanding. I'll start working on a list of ideas.

I think Rudolph, or whatever his name was, killed himself so that he would go down in history as the man who killed the most ruthless villain of his time. "The Man Who Killed Hitler!" What a suitable death for a egotist.

Regrets

When I was a child, I was picked on a lot. I would spend my nights thinking of all the things I should have done and said. In my fantasies, I would take on a dozen bullies while the girl I had a crush on watched in amazement at my unmatched skill and precision with a bow staff. Last night, I was unable to sleep and after a lifetime of these fantasies, I ran out of scenarios. Countless nights of battling bullies, ninjas, zombies, robot hordes, and even accountants and I had finally run out of possible encounters.

My mind eventually wandered into new territory. I wondered, "what do bullies stay awake at night regretting?". Do they lay awake dreaming of beating up even more nerds? When you live your life taking what you want, is there anything left to want for?

I'm sure there is, and I'm sure they have their fair share of regrets. It just made me grateful that I don't have all the things I want in life.

I wonder if dogs have regrets. Not short-term regrets like wishing he hadn't eaten all those chicken bones. I'm talking about long-term regrets like never getting a bachelor's degree or whatever would be the equivalent for a dog.

Maybe dogs don't have regrets because they heard that all dogs go to heaven. Having a free pass means that they truly live in the moment. I have never met an indecisive dog. When they see a ball flying through the air, they chase the ball. It's not a decision, or even a choice. All he knows is that a ball is going where his mouth isn't and while there is blood running through his veins and oxygen pumping through his lungs, he will catch that ball or die trying. That bachelor's degree will just have to wait.