Beard Blindness

I saw a man today that had a strange manner about him. After watching him, I figured out that he must be a twin. I could tell by the way he tried to avoid certain expressions. Twins hate it when they catch themselves making faces that their twin is known to make. I wonder if a twin with Prosopagnosia would have a difficult time recognizing his own twin. A penguin with face blindness would also have it rough. At least humans with the condition can use hats or clothes or other distinguishing features. A penguin would have to walk around for hours looking for someone. "Larry? Is that you? No? Sorry. Larry? Is that you? No? Sorry. Larry?..." and so on for hours. I think I might be partially face blind. I can't tell people with beards apart. I also won't recognize someone even if I've known them a long time if they suddenly grow a beard or if they had a beard when I met them and they suddenly shave it off. If you're going to grow a beard, you need to commit to it.

"Push" Notifications

I once read about a guy who, since childhood would always use the restroom immediately after eating. Now as an adult, every time he eats anything, he is unable to do so without using the restroom directly after.

This got me thinking about people who use their smart phones every time they use the bathroom. I came up with an idea for an app that encourages people to use their phones every time they use the toilet. I'll call it Logger. Because they'll use it to "log" all of their BMs over time.

After years of them using the app, their bodies will associate using the app with having a bowel movement. Then, if the need should arise, I would have the ability to force a BM by sending a push notification from within the app.

I'm not sure yet how this could work to my advantage in any way, but that will come later. Perhaps I can make everyone in a ballpark use the restroom before half-time so when I have to go, the lines will be shorter. I'm sure I'll think of better uses as time goes on, but first I need to figure out how to make an app.

Homelessness Research

I've always assumed people became homeless as a last resort, but I've been doing some research that indicates it may be a viable option. I have a car that has back seats that fold forward from the trunk. I took some measurements and it looks like my foam pad should fit in there nicely for a bed. The YMCA has a gym, showers, and a bathroom for only $25 per month. I spend most of my days at the library, the park, or just around town anyways so I'm just throwing money away for space I'm not even using 90% of the time. I just need to get a P.O. box and find places to park my car where it won't get towed. I'll save $750 a month on rent and can use that money to travel around the country. I would need a place to keep my bees though. I don't think they'd like it in the car.

Publish Post

House Hunting

My lease is up at the end of the month so I've been looking for a new place. I went to an open house today. Not that I can afford to buy a house, I just like how nice the realtors are to me. I like it when they tell me all of the things I can do with the place when I buy it. They are always so optimistic about my future. They say things like, "It's a great place to raise a family! Lot's of excellent schools nearby". They never say things like, "It's a comfortable place to die alone" or, "It has plenty of storage space for all of your meaningless possessions".

I'll start looking for a small apartment tomorrow

Elevator Buddy

Is it bad that every time I ride in an elevator with someone, I secretly want it to get stuck. First of all, you would always be able to tell your friends about the time you got trapped in an elevator. Also, when you share a traumatic experience with someone, it creates a bond that would be hard to build any other way. You would always be that guy they got trapped in an elevator with. It's somewhere between war buddy and that guy you sat next to on the flight to Sydney.

The Lookers

Have you ever noticed that there are some people who always look whenever someone walks into a room. Whenever I'm in a large room with lots of people, especially a room with a loud door, I don't look at the person walking in the door, I look to see who looks at the person coming in. I'll eventually look at the person who just walked in, but not until they are settled or not paying attention. What concerns me the most are the people who always turn to the door to see who's coming in. These are the people who are watching. They are the most likely to notice if I do something unusual. Fortunately, they are also the easiest to distract. I always try to time any unusual actions with distractions caused by other people. I'll usually wait for someone to sneeze or laugh loudly. That way, the lookers are focusing elsewhere.

The Library

I went to the library today to return my books on resume writing. It sure is difficult to find work in this economy. I'm still not sure what I want to do for a career. I should have checked to see if the library was hiring. I love organizing and alphabetizing things. I also love the feel and smell of used books. The oils of countless people's fingers seeped into every page. Each stain and wrinkle tells a story even more compelling than the one written on the page. I just checked out "The Boy in Striped Pajamas" and there was a blurred spot in the end from a tear drop. I think publishers should intentionally place a few drops in the sad parts if their books. That way, if the readers don't cry, they'll feel like they should have. Kind of like a laugh track on a sitcom.

Thrift Store

I was at Goodwill today looking for a new suit so that I don't stand out so much when I take the elevator to the top floor of that big skyscraper downtown. I also found a pair of binoculars for only $10. They're not as good as my other ones, but they're smaller so they fit nicely in my pocket. I realized that I've never seen underwear at Goodwill. I wonder if it's because they aren't allowed to sell it or because nobody ever donates it. People just wear underwear until it falls apart. Not that I would ever wear underwear worn by someone else. That would be disgusting.

Relationships

Having a girlfriend is overrated. I spend a lot of time observing people and one thing I've noticed is that as people get to know each other better, the passion and mystery subsides and they start taking each other for granted. Relationships are most intense when you gaze into someones eyes for the first time and have a world full of opportunity and wonder. Observing someone from a distance, deriving things about them based on your findings, and filling in the rest with your imagination, that is the best way to keep passion alive. For example, you can find out a lot about a person by using the computer after them at the library and looking at their browser history. Especially if she saves her Facebook password in memory. Of course, I would never do anything harmful with it. Not like that jerk David. She is too good for him. I can't believe he would leave her for Jessica at Jennifer's birthday party like that. It's probably for the best, she really needs to focus on school right now if she's ever going to become a teacher.

The Weirdo

My car is no longer being watched now that I park it at the dentist office, but now I have to take a bus to get to the dentists office. I really don’t mind though, I try to go at rush hour so someone has to sit next to me. I make sure to sit right in the middle of the bench so someone has to sit on each side of me.

I met a very interesting man today that actually believes in UFOs. It was strange too because he seemed like any other ordinary guy. We were just having a regular conversation about how the government is adding a solution into our water supply to make us more complaisant and all of the sudden, he starts going on about how they are covering up the existence of UFOs. I just don’t get it. I don’t know if he spends too much time watching science fiction movies or if he just has difficulty trusting authority because of abandonment issues caused by some kind of traumatic childhood event.

I wish I could have helped him, but you can’t change someones misguided beliefs in the course of a bus ride. I suppose I should just be grateful that I was raised in a good family with parents that loved and supported me.

Raisin Bran

Last night I needed more raisins for my raisin bran because I bought the generic brand and the ratio was off. I figured Wal-Mart would be the only thing opened so I drove down there. I got the raisins and started making my way to the checkout lane and was surprised to see that it was packed! Every register was occupied and there was a huge line at each one. Why were there so many people here this late at night? The only thing I could think of was that there was something big going down.

I quickly grabbed a cart and started loading it up as fast as I could. I loaded up on water, rice, beans, toilet paper, whatever I could fit in the cart. I wasn’t sure what the nature of the disaster was so I tried to cover the bases. I even went to the sporting goods section and grabbed a baseball bat and some pads in case I needed to throw down. I also grabbed around 20 boxes of name brand Raisin Bran, this was no time to be cheap. As I headed for the checkout lane, I looked up to see if people were still paying or if the rioting had started. Everything still looked reasonably calm so I got in line.
My heart was pumping and my mind was racing to figure out my next move. The freeways would be impassible at this point so I would have to take side streets and alleyways. All my escape routes out of the city originate from my house so I’d need to improvise based on my current location. When I got to the register, I told the cashier I was surprised she was still working there. She said something about how it was just until she got her cosmetology certification.

I didn’t quite understand what that had to do with anything, but I didn’t have time to figure it out. I ran outside and was instantly stopped in my tracks. It was bright as day outside! What does it mean? It was even worse than when that guy found a double rainbow. The only thing that came to mind was that the earth had fallen out of it’s rotation. This was worse than I thought. I got in the car to process the new information and noticed that DJ Rick was talking on the radio about the Farmer’s Market on Broadway. DJ Rick is only on air from 9 a.m. to noon. I looked at the clock and it was actually noon on a Saturday. That’s why it was so busy. I felt so silly. I was able to return everything I bought and used the experience as an opportunity to add some new contingencies to my evacuation plan. I should probably get more sleep, or maybe a watch.

The Strange Men

I took the bus to the mall today because my car was being looked at and I saw two men get on at Main St. I didn’t notice anything strange about them at first other than the fact that they both had similarly bad haircuts. I knew something wasn’t right when one of them looked to the other and whispered something. After observing them for some time, I was able to determine that they were time travelers from the 1930’s. They were wearing modern clothes, but seemed uncomfortable in them. In the 30’s, men wore hats and suits with jackets in public and these men had the disposition of someone wearing pajamas in public even though they were wearing jeans and polo shirts. When they paid their fare, they seemed reluctant to part with such a large amount of money. $1.30 was a lot of money back then and I heard one of them say “A dollar thirty for a bus ride...well, I’ll be”. In the end, it was the haircuts that gave it away. People can wear different clothes and learn slang and different dialects, but the way a person does his hair is a habit that cannot be easily broken. Not many people know this but haircuts, or the lack of, are also a good way to determine if someone is an android. Android hair doesn’t grow. I have a list of people who’s hair length I’m monitoring. I need to find a better way to take samples without having another confrontation like last time.

Now that I know for sure that time travel is indeed possible, I should get my old prototype out of the storage unit and take another go at it. I also need to go outside and see if that homeless man is still looking at my car. If he is, I might need to light it on fire.

Hot Tub Slime Machine

I went to the gym today to run on the treadmill because it was so hot outside. After my workout, I went to the hot tub to soak. In the 15 minutes I sat there, I counted eight people get in and out. I'd guess that the hot tub probably got around fifty people per day. The average person sweats 27-47 oz per hour in the heat. If fifty people spend 10 minutes each in a hot tub, that's 300 oz of sweat per day, or 18 lbs. If they went 30 days without draining it, that would be 540 lbs. And that doesn't count other bodily fluids or residue from people who don't shower first. Based on the total volume of the hot tub and how inconvenient it must be to completely drain, I tried to estimate what percentage of the water/broth was human secretions, but without knowing how frequently the tub is drained, I cannot produce an accurate estimate. My guess is between 30-60%. I should take a sample home with me next time and examine it under my microscope.

Craigslist

I need to figure out how to make money by purchasing and selling things on Craigslist. There’s just something I enjoy about meeting a stranger at their house and being invited in as a welcome guest. I like it when I can get a good sense of what type of life they live. When I first walk in to the house I breath in the essence and try to identify each smell. Most people tidy up when they know I’m coming over, but I can tell when it’s a quick job. In my experience, the people with the cleanest houses are usually the ones with the most to hide. I usually ask to use the restroom because it’s a perfect opportunity to get an inside peek to their personal life. As I run my finger across the bristles of their toothbrush, I feel like I’ve known them my whole life.

It would be nice if I actually had the money to buy the items they are selling. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to come up with excuses of why I don’t want the item. I usually tell people I have to talk it over with my wife, but I can tell they know I don’t have one because I don’t wear a ring. I should look for wedding rings on Craigslist. That way, I can tell people I lost mine and need to buy a new one. Plus, people going through divorces are likely to be teeming with emotion and might even share an intimate part of their lives with me. I’ll sleep with a rubber band around my finger tonight to start forming an indentation where a wedding ring would be.

The Dog Park

At the dog park today, I overheard a woman talking about how someone broke into her house and stole her computer. She had all her files backed up on an external hard drive but they stole that too so she lost everything. I decided to start writing my daily journal online so I won’t lose it if someone were to get past my homemade alarm system. That reminds me, I need to find more bees. I don’t think I quite have enough. Also, I should look into getting a dog. I think a few people realized I didn’t have one at the park and it drew additional attention to me.