You Can't Lose if You Don't Play

I went to a casino the other night to People Watch because I couldn't sleep and it's the only crowded place to hang out at late at night without being noticed too much. I couldn't help but wonder what it is that drives people to places like this. When I walk in and see all the fancy machines and elaborate architecture and well-dressed employees, I can't help but acknowledge that it is all paid for by the people mindlessly putting their money in the machines. Now, don't get me wrong, I totally get the whole idea behind it all. The inner sense of self-significance that we all have that makes us feel like we are the exception. That we are special and have the ability to beat the system. And why not? From the moment we are expelled from the womb, we are bombarded with praise and told that we are special, that we are gifted and can do anything we put our minds to. Combine that with the appeal of getting something for nothing, and it's easy to see why so many people fall victim.

The thing I don't get is why the casinos don't try harder to trick people. The whole point is to lull people into a false sense of confidence and feed into their belief that they have the upper hand. But with all the ritz and luxury, the illusion is completely destroyed for me. It's like seeing a well-groomed man in a tuxedo and top-hat asking for some spare change at the freeway off-ramp. If I were to build a casino, I would build it in an old abandoned warehouse. I would hire people who look like Gil from The Simpsons to be the dealers. I would train them to always have a look of desperation on their faces like they're down on their luck and really need the money to support their large families. I would make it look like we can barely stay in business because of how often people beat the house. I want people to walk in to my casino and think to themselves, "I better move fast while they still have money left for me to take." Of course, in the back room, I would have piles of money for me to swim around in, but they don't need to know that.

It was even worse when I went to Vegas last year for the locksmith and binocular convention. The casinos there are just ridiculous. Instead of a well-dressed man begging for money, it was like four men in tuxedos hoisting up a guy dressed up like a sultan who is asking for my money. I felt like I didn't even have a remote chance of walking away with any money. I lost $250 and walked away broke and beaten like a little boy who just got beat up by (insert name of famous professional boxer here). But in the end, it's my own fault, I was the one who started the fight. In my casino, people will feel like they're starting a fight with an old man with a walker but in the end, the house always wins.